For Mama (Remember)

mommy corrected

Torri L. Shivers-Forbes
1959-2012

Remember when you rocked me
Singing soft and sweet
Love in your voice brought tears to my eyes

Remember when you prayed with us before bed
Winding music boxes–gifts from my grandmothers–
Dark became less fearful as you tucked me in

Remember when you listened to my stories
Encouraging me to write them down
I know you thought I was strange, but you never let on

Remember when we broke each others’ hearts
Drowning, both of us, in our own pain
Rough waters made it hard to see….
And so we lost each other for a time

You challenged me
I stood defiant
Engaged in risky business
Trying to kill the ‘you’ in ‘me’

You saw my bleeding wrist
And you never asked me why
I think it’s ’cause you knew
We were both the same

Ran from my future that was your present
Called it survival
But you never turned your back on me
Not once

Remember when you showed me faith
Crusading against each others’ Gods
Never noticing that my devotion was inherited

Remember when you called me for help with this thing or that
Realizing that you needed me I finally understood
You lent me your strength, but forgot to keep some for yourself

Remember when I took care of you while you were still trying to care for me
Exchanging the bitter for the sweet
Remember! Do you remember?
When you helped me to forgive

I remember
Every pain and every joy
Every tear and every laugh

I remember
That the worst and the best of me all came from you
I remember
You told me you were proud
Please remember
I’ll always love you

*My mother and I had a complex relationship. I sometimes wish that things could have been different between us, though I don’t know how that could have been. We didn’t communicate well and we often had trouble hearing and seeing each other. As I mention above, I really believe that was because we were so much alike. Sometimes, I think mom was afraid because of what she did see and neither of us were well equipped to confront it.

Despite how things improved with us by the end, it is difficult to think of the good times without juxtaposing them with the bad. We loved each other, but it was not without struggle. I think it had to be for us to reach a place of healing and understanding. In the end, we finally saw each other.

Her life and death give me strength. Her continued love carries me through. What is remembered, lives.

 

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About fenifuego

Just trying to make sense of myself and the world.
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