Origins

Gather round children and I’ll tell you a story
Not of damsels nor dragons, goodness me!
I’ll tell you the tale of how I came to be
Did I come from a star? No..well, perhaps long ago
But once upon a time my name was — Ha! You’ll never know!
What I can share are the turns of my journey
So, sit down, listen and you will see:

I wasn’t always a Phoenix, soaring high
I fought my way here by choosing to die

Born on a Monday, under the full moon
Well, no, actually, it was mid afternoon
My mother graced me with a special gift
She called me Crowned and they recorded it
Had the doc looked at me and made a different call
I might not be here talking to y’all at all

But so it was and so I am— c’est la vie!
Pretty sure it makes for a better story
Grew up playing princess and searching for Charming
My first love was a girl (BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING!)
Fought off some dragons (guess there were some of those)
Who were determined to conquer even after I said ‘No’
Battered and broken I turned to self harm
To escape the treacherous path I was on
Then, like an angel descending from on high,
My queen arrived! (Really reaching with this rhyming, guys)

That isn’t the end, y’all, this ain’t no fairy story
We loved each other, sure, but there’s more! Don’t worry!

Like Jeanne d’Arc, I girded myself against the world
Cut my hair, changed my clothes and became a riot grrrrl
Raised fist and cargo pants, I forsook all men
Strutted down the urban streets proclaiming ‘NEVER AGAIN!’
Anger colored my world more than a year and some days
Meanwhile, my queen and I had to part ways

She went to college and I went to work
Where I befriended a guy who wasn’t a jerk (#cheapshot #notallmen #lulz)
We got quite close and I thought he was gay
Turns out he was just European (fast forward into the future…he was actually gay)
And for my next birthday he offered a kiss
That sent me reeling into an identity crisis

Traded my queen for a brand new lover
Though I secretly wondered why he would bother
My masculine presentation was too much for most men
And I still wasn’t sure if I could “go there” again
But he wasn’t ashamed to walk with me hand in hand
Here’s the lesson I learned from my dearest friend:

Don’t put yourself in a box or you’re bound to get stuck
Don’t leave it to others to define your social construct

I tore off my old labels and set them alight
And decided that ‘queer’ was a word that felt right
Met some new lovers and made some new friends
Wait, hold on, y’all, that’s not how this ends!

I went off to college to learn theory and things
And it didn’t take long for me to start questioning…
Who am I really? Am I playing a role?
Why do I still feel so damaged in my soul?
I feel shackled to something I don’t want to be
What will it take for me to get free?

In order to discover what this unrest was about
I fled the country to try to figure shit out

Lost and alone in a foreign land
I asked myself why I cringed at the label “woman”
When I look in the mirror, what do I see?
Is it my clothes or my insides that define me?
It was the same old song with a different melody
I still hadn’t learned that only I could define me
Trying desperately to hear my heart crying from deep within
All I heard was Death whispering in the wind
And an all too familiar feeling growing inside
I had to make a choice and I chose to die

I surrendered to the flames that licked my skin
Destroyed all that I was so I could begin again
My crown fell from my head when I sprouted wings
Finally, I heard my inner voice calling ‘Fénix’
And I recalled the image of the Chinese fènghuáng—
Both masculine and feminine joined as one—
And suddenly I felt the pounding ease in my chest
The tension subsided and I knew I could rest

Since then I’ve had a crap load of therapy
And I’m pretty secure in my various identities
I know who I am and what I want to be
And my friends continue to affirm and ground me
I’m not defined by who I’m with or what others see
No more boxes or shackles because now I am free

And now an apology to those who might take offence
Sometimes a little fancy helps create some distance
There were some things I needed to get off my chest
With my overly simplistic tale of rhyme and jest
This is one tale that I’ve never told
So please forgive me if I’m bold
I pray you do not misunderstand my words
And read into it something quite absurd
This is not a story uplifting cis-heteronormativity
But rather an ode to asserting one’s own identity

This is the story of how I came to be
But the best has yet to be written, you see

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About fenifuego

Just trying to make sense of myself and the world.
This entry was posted in art, healing, life, love, new beginnings and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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