Confessions and Self-Reclamation

I saw Medusa. Beautiful and terrible. I looked into her eyes and was not turned to stone.

A few posts ago, I spoke of my battle with my inner demons. At the time, I had not yet made any moves beyond pondering what to do about my depression. I decided that I would confront Medusa, that I would look her in the eye and ask her to help me change and heal that which was broken.

First, I wrote out a list of confessions. I realized that a lot of my fear had to do with feelings of inadequacy on my part and fear that I wasn’t a good and worthy person who is deserving of that which I’ve received in life thus far. Part of that undeserving feeling is rooted in the fact that I know myself better than anyone in this world and, while I have done some good things, I have also done some wrong things, occasionally with the full knowledge that it was wrong.

Most of the things on the list, which in the end spanned three pages, were things I had never told a living soul that I had done. Only a few were things that I had apologized for to the party I had wronged. A small number of items on the list were crimes I had committed against myself. I cried while writing the list and the act of writing and speaking these things aloud were a huge release in and of themselves.

After the confessions, I took a new palm-sized mirror, which I adorned with Medusa’s image on the reverse side. I made the image myself out of polymer clay. When the new moon came, I looked at myself in the mirror I had made and before the Gods and Medusa, I confessed. I didn’t cry again, but I looked at myself honestly and without fear. I made a commitment to right action, to being a better friend, to being a better person. My goal is to not let my past drag me down, but to step up and be the person I have always dreamed of being and to be the person that other people see when they look at me.

I asked Medusa to teach me to rid myself of my own poison and transform it into something that nourishes myself and others. I ejected the poison from my body and drank the sweet and healing waters.

Afterward, I felt as though a huge burden has been lifted. I have felt renewed confidence and self-assurance. After I wrote the confessions, but before the new moon, I received a job offered for the fall. I have felt less depressed and more proactive. I was able to be there and not just there, but present,  for my family during a time of sorrow. I am also much more optimistic about my future, in general.

I know this isn’t a quick fix. This is just one step of many. My 28th birthday is in August and Saturn is returning to Scorpio, the sign it was in at my birth, in October. Changes in my life have already begun. I’ve spent so much time running and hiding and procrastinating. I fully plan to embrace this time of change and upheaval in my life. It’s time to grow up.

It’s time to prove myself worthy of the name I gave myself almost 5 years ago. I am Phoenix and rising from my own ashes is what I do best. I will cast aside what no longer serves me and open myself up to new opportunities. I’m ready.

Saturn leaves Scorpio in December 2014. Let’s go!

About fenifuego

Just trying to make sense of myself and the world.
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